What is a “monocycle”? What do a tattoo parlor, a cake, and a really bizarre Chinese food menu (I tried to order the blob fish and the crab cooks whore dust but apparently they don’t deliver this far) have to do with each other? I’m glad you asked, or I’m glad I asked and you read it aloud to yourself, as you are wont to do, probably.

Just ask BugEyes126, the 14-year-old investigator behind “The Men in Black Suits Are Real,” devoted to uncovering the existence of alien lifeforms right here on Earth (unless you are not reading this from Earth, in which case, you’ll really confuse our stats tracker unless you are using a proxy server) and a secret government agency that works with these extraterrestrials. A much talked-about subject in the mid-’90s, BugEyes has brought it back in vogue again.

It is clear that BugEyes–and that’s the only name he’ll give–is not alone. Over the course of his blog’s existence, he has amassed over 45,000 followers who have joined him in his call to action to get to the bottom of the situation. How do these “Men in Black” operate, and how can we prove their existence? After all, many a great scientist has said that there is virtually no way that we are alone in the universe, but what if we are not alone on our own planet? And who decided cake and tattoos mix? I actually think it’s a really good business model.

BugEyes has just uncovered this strange monocycle in his quest for the truth (which, as you know, is out there). Supposedly developed in the 1930s, it utilized bizarre technology far more advanced than that of its time, topping over 100 MPH. Why haven’t you heard of it? I DON’T KNOW. Until today, the evidence of it had been erased from all records. Could this be the result of alien technology, or is there a reasonable explanation?  If you want to know more about this bizarre device, visit BugEyes’ website at TheMenInBlackSuitsAreReal.com (or if you already know more, you can leave him a tip on his Facebook page). Supported by his own research and anonymous tips, BugEyes is greatly advancing the cause of everyone like him who believes that the Men in Black Suits are, indeed, reality. (I’d just love to catch up with this kid. Apart from being adorable, I know he has cake.) Alternatively, to see all the evidence he’s assembled in convenient flow chart form, visit Following BugEyes. His YouTube channel is also worth a look, compiling phone calls he’s received from viewers like you and suspicious videos he’s found on the YouTube in addition to his own videos. Decide for yourself what you believe.

Also, I will karate chop the first person who says “the cake is a lie” near me in the neck. This is just how I operate.