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I have noticed a lot of in-fighting in the nerdy girl world lately and it really bothers me. One of my friends recently turned on me to hang out with the “cooler” kids here in LA and it really hurts! Is there anything I can do to get my friend back or is she gone to the darkside for good?
Beloved Abandoned Nerd Friend,
Fighting is only cool if it involves otherworldly weapons and accompanying background music. Since most fights don’t involve these things, the reality is that fighting is the absolute worst. This is especially true when it involves one of the rare people we call a friend. Your pain over being abandoned by this friend is completely warranted, and I’m giving you the biggest cyber-hug right now because no one should ever be traded in like that. I can’t guarantee that there is anything that you can do to get your friend back other than be your usual awesome, nerdy self and hope that she realizes that the “cool” kids really aren’t that cool (because they seldom are), and comes running back desperate for some sort of nerd movie marathon or gaming session. This is completely possible. When I was in this situation, all that came of it for me was I watched the girl who I had memorized Harry Potter spells with turn into someone I didn’t like at all. However, I realized something important when this happened: she was not a good friend.
I can’t predict whether your friend will or will not come back, but I would like you to consider a couple of things.
1) Do you really want a friend who would abandon you for other people like this? It is completely possible to hang out with more than one group of people. If she was a good friend, the kind you want in your life, she would never have dropped you at the prospect of being with other people. She would have kept you in her life and been friends with them AND you. The fact that she dropped you for these kids is an insult to you, and no one deserves to be insulted like that.
2) Do you realize how great of a friend you are, and don’t you want a friend who will reciprocate that back to you? Seriously, look at you right now. This friend went off and left you for another group of friends, and all you are concerned about is having her back by your side. You’re not being angry or venomous about it. You just want your friend back, and that says a lot about how much you care for her. You obviously care about this girl a ton, and guess what? You deserve a friend who cares about you, too!
3) Friendship isn’t just about finding someone you hate less than other people or share a few interests with. Friendship is a mutual relationship between two people who enjoy each other’s company and care about one another. Friendship is a team. It’s a partnership. You want someone who will stand by your side and fight, not someone who is going to switch sides on the battlefield because the other guys have better costumes! Can you imagine if in the middle of everything Tony Stark just stopped and said, “But, look at Loki! He’s FABULOUS!” and switched sides?! The Marvel universe would IMPLODE.
So, maybe she will come back. Maybe she won’t. To me, it sounds like you lost someone who was always going to get lost eventually, and I cannot stress the fact that you deserve better than that enough. There are plenty of other nerd girls out there, and I’m sure there are some who will treat you better and never make you question if another group of people is more worthy of attention than you are. Find those girls, befriend those girls, eat nachos with those girls, and get yo nerd on with those girls, okay?
Ps. You’re wonderful, and your “friend’s” poor decisions are not at all a reflection of you or your self-worth. You’ve got it together, and she’s still searching for herself. That’s all this means. Keep being awesome. Greater things will come your way.
Hello fellow nerd,
Friends don’t always agree on everything or have the same goals. That’s OK, as long as you’re still there for each other equally and have compatible priorities. If that’s not the case and one person is giving a lot more than the other to preserve the friendship, then it’s not ok. Unfortunately, people tend to value different things, and that’s why friends grow apart. But this may actually be positive since you don’t need someone in your life who values superficial connections more than real significant relationships. It’s always hard when things end, and it’s certainly normal to want to try and get your friend back with some inspired act of awesomeness, but you’re only going to end up hurt and resentful, and, most likely, wasting your time.
As you get older, you’ll realize that you only have a certain amount of time and energy to put into relationships, so you’ll want to make sure you’re only putting significant effort into people who make you happy, not the ones who bring you down. People grow apart. It’s part of life. At some point, your friend might catch up with you and you’ll both be on the same page. But if that doesn’t happen, it’s ok too. You will have other friends who won’t put a Hollywood douchebag first, because they know what truly matters.
And the same thing goes for nerd girl on nerd girl fighting. Remember to always be direct and sincere. Don’t believe all of the gossip. Be objective. When someone is talking shit, and you don’t agree with them, say it. Stand up for your friends, but don’t get caught up in high school like drama; that needs to stay between other people (i.e., people who are not you). However, if somehow it does manage to include you, don’t talk shit, confront the person directly, and make sure you politely tell them you don’t want any trouble and you’re available if they ever want to chat. There’s already so much real drama going on in this world that we need to stop attacking each other over petty matters. Actual cool kids aren’t dicks. They’re inclusive, giving, loyal, and treat other nerds how they want to be treated.
Hugs and tacos,