Posts tagged the men in black suits
Have you been following the chronicles of our BFF here at Nerds in Babeland, BugEyes? If not, why not? Everything I write is golden, and also you should miss the ’90s. It was the greatest decade ever. People are always like, “If you could go back to any time, where would you go?” I would do the ’90s all over again. But, I digress.
If you wanted some closure but didn’t feel like you got it before, check out this YouTube clip, where we see him in action behind good old Agent K, whom you should remember from the ’90s. If not, you were probably neuralized, so consult your VHS collection immediately.
We only get a glimpse of BugEyes, but he’s clearly up to something. Here is a list of possible things he could be doing:
- Saving the world. Likeliness: Unlikely. He’s 14. I have a sister who is 12 and she can’t figure out how to use the microwave.
- Walking casually back and forth trying to get Agent K’s attention. Likeliness: Probable. This is what I do whenever I want someone who’s way cooler than me to notice me at work. I just come up with excuses to walk back and forth until they see me and speak to me. Okay, so I’ve been in actual awe of my employers before. BIG DEAL.
- Being sent on an errand. Likeliness: Highly likely. If a 14-year-old kid works for you, even if he has great promise, and you work at an organization focused on keeping terrestrial citizens and extraterrestrials safe, you probably make him lick a lot of envelopes and go out and buy a lot of coffee.
- Snooping. Likeliness: I bet he has tried, then realized there’s no point, so unlikely. He’s like one of those women who went to college in the ’50s to find a husband. He may have been ruthlessly devoted to the truth before, but now he’s like, “I no longer need this. I have gotten what I wanted. You guys find your own truth!” I can’t blame him. It’s rough trying to get a job you like in this economy. You wouldn’t want to ruin it like that.
- Trying to walk off all the weight he gained eating so much surprise cake. Likeliness: He’s a 14-year-old boy. That jerk can probably eat whatever he wants without experiencing weight gain.
So what do you guys think? Will you miss BugEyes? You’ll probably see him again sometime. Wear sunglasses.
As you may recall from some previous updates on the subject, we here at Nerds in Babeland were following the exploits of the 14-year-old BugEyes, a conspiracy theorist with big dreams, and his website, TheMenInBlackSuitsAreReal.com. He’s been on the trail of a mysterious “Pink Surprise Cake,” on sale en masse with purchase of tattoo at Clive’s Tattoo Parlor, and finally, he seems to have figured out the answer: documents! People were hiding documents in the cake to keep them hidden from the Men in Black Suits, because people ALWAYS go to tattoo parlors to get cake and documents. I KNOW I DO. It’s how I ended up with this weird tattoo of Tony Stark on my bosom. I just went in to sign some papers.
What were the documents? Perhaps only time will tell. Perhaps the documents include Arianna Huffington’s long-form birth certificate (SURE, ARIANNA, I BELIEVE YOU [it is interesting to note that neither James Franco nor Stephanie, co-founder of this blog, have come forward with THEIR birth certificates after MY accusations, but I guess no one takes me seriously]).
Whatever the case, as you can see in the video, BugEyes’ dedication to the cause was rewarded by membership in the elite and mysterious group of Men in Black Suits.
Can we talk about this? For one, I’ve been devoted to this since the ’90s, and the Men in Black Suits have YET TO CALL ME. Or even e-mail me. What a disappointment! What does a girl have to do? I can eat cake. I WILL dive in a dumpster for a full-time job. I’m just that desperate for one.
For another, it seems hideously irresponsible of the Men in Black Suits to enlist a 14-year-old kid. I’m just saying, he can’t even go into R-rated movies by himself! He probably hasn’t even finished taking Algebra II! This is the guy you want to help keep space aliens in line with the rules of Earth? PICK ME INSTEAD. I look great in black, and can type over 135 words per minute!
Well, “Mr. Eyes,” as Arianna Huffington calls you, it was nice chillaxing with you, and I hope you enjoy your time in a wonderful job that I can’t even get two years out of college. ENJOY IT. It is kind of adorable so I can’t be that mad. I’m just saying, I wouldn’t have to sit on a park bench all night and watch the sun set over the New York skyline like SOME PEOPLE. I won’t name names. I’m just saying, I would chill out, max, and relax all cool in that job. No b-ball, though.
Have you ever gone to the Huffington Post before, read a couple of the articles, and then been solidly convinced that something really bizarre or really sinister is going on?
Well, I know I have. Don’t pretend like you haven’t, either. Recently, Patton Oswalt began a Twitter hashtag, #BandNamesFromHuffPoHeadlines, which wasn’t just because the Huffington Post is internationally renowned for its status as a jumping-off point for indie music. NO. It is because strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
“But why?” you ask yourself. “What is the big picture? What is the point of all this? What am I not getting? Oh god! The horror, the horror!”
Well, our friend BugEyes from TheMeninBlackSuitsAreReal may at last have an answer: Arianna Huffington, extraterrestrial? That’s what BugEyes claims in this editorial that he had the gall to actually write on the Huffington Post. A tip from someone who is admittedly not successful enough to write for the Huffington Post so maybe you shouldn’t take my advice after all (for those interested in immediately hiring me to write for big name blogs, see my resume…it’s a rough economy), but maybe think of it as a tip from someone who can read and has common sense: perhaps it’s not the greatest idea in the world to accuse a globally (and perhaps extra-globally) recognized author, for whose blog you have been asked to contribute, of being an alien. I wonder what Arianna Huffington will have to say about all this.
On a related note, I have reason to believe that one of the founders of this blog is an alien also. I’m not going to name names, because I’m not the Fox Mole, or something, but I’ll give you a hint: her name rhymes with Wephanie Blooten. I also have pretty convincing evidence that James Franco is not of this Earth, BugEyes. So, Earthlings, feel free to drop me a comment and let me know what you think, or go ahead and just tell BugEyes on his Facebook.
If you read this website at all, and I imagine you do because you are reading it now, maybe you read a couple days ago when our new BFF BugEyes over at TheMenInBlackSuitsAreReal.com found some crazy technology that does not belong in the 1930s, which is weird because that’s apparently where it came from. He was also on the trail of Clive’s Tattoo Parlor, and an ice cream cake with an unknown ingredient that you get to eat for free and all you have to do is get a tattoo. (Honestly, maybe this indicates that I have a problem, but that might work on me.) Something weird was clearly going on with this place and its affinity for Pink Surprise Cake, but what is the surprise in the cake, and why does Clive’s Tattoo Parlor have 29312938985 of them?
Well, judging by this video, the surprise ingredient is dumpster. I’m putting it out there. BugEyes, do not eat cake that you find in the trash. Cake that a crazed supervillain sent you, yes. Cake from a serial killer, yes. BUT DO NOT EAT CAKE FROM THE TRASH. GOD. 14-year-old boys can be so gross. I once paid a boy a dollar in high school not to drink the half-finished bottle of Coke he found sitting in the middle of the parking lot in front of me.
Anyway, in addition to finding Clive’s Tattoo Parlor he has also found a contraption that seems to extract the core from the cake, which is RIDICULOUS because THE FROSTING IS THE BEST PART. But what could be in the core?
If you have any tips for BugEyes, you can drop him a line at 1 (888) 202-9797. I have a tip for BugEyes: DON’T EAT DUMPSTER CAKE.
What is a “monocycle”? What do a tattoo parlor, a cake, and a really bizarre Chinese food menu (I tried to order the blob fish and the crab cooks whore dust but apparently they don’t deliver this far) have to do with each other? I’m glad you asked, or I’m glad I asked and you read it aloud to yourself, as you are wont to do, probably.
Just ask BugEyes126, the 14-year-old investigator behind “The Men in Black Suits Are Real,” devoted to uncovering the existence of alien lifeforms right here on Earth (unless you are not reading this from Earth, in which case, you’ll really confuse our stats tracker unless you are using a proxy server) and a secret government agency that works with these extraterrestrials. A much talked-about subject in the mid-’90s, BugEyes has brought it back in vogue again.
It is clear that BugEyes–and that’s the only name he’ll give–is not alone. Over the course of his blog’s existence, he has amassed over 45,000 followers who have joined him in his call to action to get to the bottom of the situation. How do these “Men in Black” operate, and how can we prove their existence? After all, many a great scientist has said that there is virtually no way that we are alone in the universe, but what if we are not alone on our own planet? And who decided cake and tattoos mix? I actually think it’s a really good business model.
BugEyes has just uncovered this strange monocycle in his quest for the truth (which, as you know, is out there). Supposedly developed in the 1930s, it utilized bizarre technology far more advanced than that of its time, topping over 100 MPH. Why haven’t you heard of it? I DON’T KNOW. Until today, the evidence of it had been erased from all records. Could this be the result of alien technology, or is there a reasonable explanation? If you want to know more about this bizarre device, visit BugEyes’ website at TheMenInBlackSuitsAreReal.com (or if you already know more, you can leave him a tip on his Facebook page). Supported by his own research and anonymous tips, BugEyes is greatly advancing the cause of everyone like him who believes that the Men in Black Suits are, indeed, reality. (I’d just love to catch up with this kid. Apart from being adorable, I know he has cake.) Alternatively, to see all the evidence he’s assembled in convenient flow chart form, visit Following BugEyes. His YouTube channel is also worth a look, compiling phone calls he’s received from viewers like you and suspicious videos he’s found on the YouTube in addition to his own videos. Decide for yourself what you believe.
Also, I will karate chop the first person who says “the cake is a lie” near me in the neck. This is just how I operate.